I'm having a rough time...Heavy stuff, please read if you really care.

{Mom I'm warning you this might make you all sad.  Please don't be, I love you.  I just felt the need to be sad today and share it.}


Lately I feel like I'm sinking.  I feel empty and lost.  I know it's depression getting the best of me, but days like today I kind of enjoy it.  I know that is sick to say, but I enjoy being quiet, sitting in bed all day, sulking and listening to the rain.

Life is starting to get me down.  I'm feeling a bit like I'm fool-hearty in believing in happy endings.  I haven't seen a lot of happy marriages.  I thought that I would finally break that cycle and be overwhelmingly successful and happy in mine.  We aren't.  Things are stressed.  We have both been unemployed for way too long, me 2 years {sort of by choice} and my husband for a year and a few months.  We are stressed financially and are living with family.  Living with family just adds more stress, like lack of privacy.

Our love life is up and down.  Some weeks we make love like rabbits and then weeks like this week I don't want to be touched at all and he swears he doesn't care about nookie anymore.  I know part of that is just my antidepressants.  I have had trouble with them and my sex drive since I started them.  Part of it though is really just a lack of connection and closeness lately. 

I haven't mentioned on here what has been going on for months.  I haven't really talked about anything personal because it's too hard.  My husband is struggling.  He is depressed but thinks nothing can help.  He is paranoid {as in that someone is in our home, that all his clothes have fiberglass on them, that people are looking through his stuff, and that I am out to get him} and starting to obsess over things.  It's scaring me and I've talked to his family, my family, my therapist, and even had him talk to my therapist about it.  It doesn't seem to matter though.  He thinks nothing is wrong, we have several "normal" days and then days like last night where I was up until 3 while he went on about his clothes having fiberglass on them and needing to rewash everything {much of his clothes just came out of the laundry as it is} and how he KNEW someone was here.  He spent over an hour inspecting every article of clothing he had and sure enough they were all contaminated.  He also put tape on the window screen and set a trap in our closet to prove someone was here.

Sometimes like last night I just shut down.  I just laid in bed from 10pm on and tried to sleep.  Aiden woke up at 3 and it was Kris' turn to get him back to sleep.  Sleep finally came for me around that time and I slept until 9am.  I just cried silently to sleep.  Nothing else I can do.  I see a problem, but can't fix it.  I feel like no one else sees it the way I do.  Kris always says that "no one sees you like I do.  You are different, you aren't the same and you have changed", but really I think he has changed and I'm just trying to adapt and walk on egg shells. 

I don't mean to share all this to make my husband sound bad.  I love and adore him soo much.  I believe with all my heart that God made us for each other.  I know that this is just a challenge God has placed before us, but I just keep praying for answers and strength and I feel like I'm getting nothing.  I want to grow old with my husband, and I will.  I just don't know if I will grow old being unhappy and stressed or if things will turn back around and I will have the fairytale ending everyone wants. 

I'm just sad today.  I am going to see my best friend, who until today has been left in the dark.  I told Kris today I can't pretend to be happy.  I'll put on a happy face and keep fighting for happiness tomorrow, but today I need to be sad.  So I'm sorry for this horribly depressing post.  Tomorrow I will be happy again. 

If you have any kind words or wisdom, or could just offer up some prayers I would really appreciate it today.