UPDATE UPDATE

Wow, after several years ive decided to try and resurrect this little blog of mine. I recently told a friend I missed having a place to write. Then out of nowhere a blog "challenge" if you will came about on a public group im in. So here I am and I'm going to try and keep this thing going. Bare with me as I make changes and update content. Feel free to sift through my old posts, you just might learn something new about me....

Sunday, January 16, 2011

I'm having a rough time...Heavy stuff, please read if you really care.

{Mom I'm warning you this might make you all sad.  Please don't be, I love you.  I just felt the need to be sad today and share it.}


Lately I feel like I'm sinking.  I feel empty and lost.  I know it's depression getting the best of me, but days like today I kind of enjoy it.  I know that is sick to say, but I enjoy being quiet, sitting in bed all day, sulking and listening to the rain.

Life is starting to get me down.  I'm feeling a bit like I'm fool-hearty in believing in happy endings.  I haven't seen a lot of happy marriages.  I thought that I would finally break that cycle and be overwhelmingly successful and happy in mine.  We aren't.  Things are stressed.  We have both been unemployed for way too long, me 2 years {sort of by choice} and my husband for a year and a few months.  We are stressed financially and are living with family.  Living with family just adds more stress, like lack of privacy.

Our love life is up and down.  Some weeks we make love like rabbits and then weeks like this week I don't want to be touched at all and he swears he doesn't care about nookie anymore.  I know part of that is just my antidepressants.  I have had trouble with them and my sex drive since I started them.  Part of it though is really just a lack of connection and closeness lately. 

I haven't mentioned on here what has been going on for months.  I haven't really talked about anything personal because it's too hard.  My husband is struggling.  He is depressed but thinks nothing can help.  He is paranoid {as in that someone is in our home, that all his clothes have fiberglass on them, that people are looking through his stuff, and that I am out to get him} and starting to obsess over things.  It's scaring me and I've talked to his family, my family, my therapist, and even had him talk to my therapist about it.  It doesn't seem to matter though.  He thinks nothing is wrong, we have several "normal" days and then days like last night where I was up until 3 while he went on about his clothes having fiberglass on them and needing to rewash everything {much of his clothes just came out of the laundry as it is} and how he KNEW someone was here.  He spent over an hour inspecting every article of clothing he had and sure enough they were all contaminated.  He also put tape on the window screen and set a trap in our closet to prove someone was here.

Sometimes like last night I just shut down.  I just laid in bed from 10pm on and tried to sleep.  Aiden woke up at 3 and it was Kris' turn to get him back to sleep.  Sleep finally came for me around that time and I slept until 9am.  I just cried silently to sleep.  Nothing else I can do.  I see a problem, but can't fix it.  I feel like no one else sees it the way I do.  Kris always says that "no one sees you like I do.  You are different, you aren't the same and you have changed", but really I think he has changed and I'm just trying to adapt and walk on egg shells. 

I don't mean to share all this to make my husband sound bad.  I love and adore him soo much.  I believe with all my heart that God made us for each other.  I know that this is just a challenge God has placed before us, but I just keep praying for answers and strength and I feel like I'm getting nothing.  I want to grow old with my husband, and I will.  I just don't know if I will grow old being unhappy and stressed or if things will turn back around and I will have the fairytale ending everyone wants. 

I'm just sad today.  I am going to see my best friend, who until today has been left in the dark.  I told Kris today I can't pretend to be happy.  I'll put on a happy face and keep fighting for happiness tomorrow, but today I need to be sad.  So I'm sorry for this horribly depressing post.  Tomorrow I will be happy again. 

If you have any kind words or wisdom, or could just offer up some prayers I would really appreciate it today. 

11 comments:

Amanda said...

It must feel impossible, the spot you are in, but it's important to remember that every day you have had since conception was planned by God. Your path was laid before you were born and looking to Him for guidance will help open some doors (opportunities) and provide some answers for you, I just know it! BIG hug, you will be in my prayers.

Gina said...

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, but I will say a prayer for you tonight. ((hugs))

Sar(Mrs.Teddy) said...

I will say a prayer for you all.
Please keep talking to people and if his fears and obbsessions continue keep seeking help. This sounds very scary to me. Hugs.

Jennifer said...

My heart goes out to you :( Know that no one has a perfect life, a perfect marriage or perfect children. And if they say they do, then they are not telling you the truth. We all have struggles. You need to address in some other way what Kris is going through. He needs help. I will say a prayer for you. You are allowed to have sad days...just try to make tomorrow a happier one :)

Noelle said...

I'm very sorry to read about what you and husband are going through. I hope you keep seeking the help you both need. Both my sister and step mom and doctors in psychology and from reading the comments about your husband I would definitely say he needs to get help. I know unemployment is beyond difficult and really puts stress on a relationship. Have you thought about one of you going to community college? I know it's much easier said than done but try to keep your head up and know that this is all temporary. In the meantime keep getting the help you need and I hope things start to get better soon!

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

So very sorry, bloggy friend! This all sounds incredibly hard and my prayers are with you. Hugs and hugs and more hugs...

Katie said...

I'll be praying for you, and know that if you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm always here for you.

Michelle@DomesticationoftheSingleGirl said...

Don't worry for a second about what people do or do not want to read. Don't apologize for what you write or how you are feeling. You are entitled to your emotions, you're going through a lot. If writing about it makes it any better than do that as much as you need to. I'm sorry that things are so hard right now. You and your family are in my thoughts.

Unpolished Parenting said...

I wish I had some comforting words of wisdoms but just know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

My uncle has this same kind of paranoia. He thought people were out to get him- he sealed his windows and doors, etc. I think my Aunt finally made him get help and he has been medicated now. Not sure what the diagnosis was, but TRY hard to get Kris some help. It might save you and your marriage.

Crystal said...

Oh Kerri...I totally feel for you. I have experienced mild to moderate depression over the past few years as well - and I know you just sometimes want to close yourself in and be sad. And that's OK. Like a lot of the other ladies said though, don't let it go on too long. When I was married to my first husband, we also lived with family (his family) and it totally sucked. I moved away from my family because he had a gambling problem, and said that if he lived near his family and friends that he wouldn't gamble anymore (which was a lie). I am glad that you are praying through this challenging time - I prayed for 2 years with my ex-husband, but just short of a nervous breakdown I did end up having to leave, for my own health and the well-being of the kids. I just want you to know that if you have to go down that road, or even just a separation, that you do not allow yourself to feel like a failure. I fought with myself for so long - that I didn't pray hard enough, or try hard enough - but the bottom line was that he was not willing to get help for his addiction. And you can not force someone to get help. All it will do is stress you out, and piss them off. They may get help for a little while - but it will be just to make you happy. As soon as things get back to semi-normal, they will stop going, or say there is nothing wrong anymore. And I totally know that unemployment can definitely strain relationships - my hubby now has gone through periods of unemployment over the past couple years, and it definitely makes things stressful. As far as the sex thing - with the desire fluctuating and being there and then being gone - that is totally normal...especially once you add children to the mix and getting up at odd hours of the night, etc. If your hubby will not get help for his paranoia, you will have some questions to ask yourself - are you willing to stick it out? what if things get worse? do you feel that it may endanger your son at some point? are there things you can do to try and make things better? I always go to prayer first, it is the strongest weapon we have - but that person also has to have the desire to change and make things better. If you ever need to talk, definitely let me know - I know we've never met in person, but I can understand what you're going through - and can be there to just listen, you know? We're connected on FB, so just email me and I can send you my number.

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