It's been a bad week.
It started with the dreaded P.M.S. Yep it's already here again. I felt cranky all day - every day, wasn't sleeping well, and it all started to pile up on me. I was not a happy camper. When you feel like that, you can't help but start to take it out on others. Which is exactly what I started to do!
Aiden is also a bit under the weather, a little cold we believe, which means he is extra needy and a bit of a grump himself. We don't make a good pair when we are both cranky. At least that's what I blamed my frustrations and crankiness on.
Too bad you can only blame P.M.S moodiness for a few days. After a few bad days in a row I started to realize that I might be mistaken. Maybe it's not just my period, maybe it's not just "changing hormones" {an excuse I think I have overused} - I think it's my PPD. I thought I had a good handle on my depression. I thought I was doing much better. I thought wrong.
I know that getting better is a process of 1 step forward and 2 steps back. That's just soo hard for me to comprehend though. I want the medicine to work, I just want to be normal NOW. This morning I wanted to give Kris a break. He works soo much more than I do lately taking care of Aiden, and taking care of ME! So I took care of Aiden during the night, which was easy. Then I got up with him at 645 and we played, watched Playhouse Disney, had a bottle, share a yogurt, and then it was naptime. That is where the trouble began. He fought me rocking him, he cried in the crib, finally he took the rest of his bottle, but then fought me rocking him AGAIN. Then he cried in the crib again. Finally after 30 minutes he let me rock him. He fell asleep after I cleaned the snot {sick remember} and tears off his face. I laid him down and started to tip-toe out...he cried.
I tried to rock him again but I just kept thinking about how I should be enjoying this moment and instead I just wanted him to sleep already so I could have my coffee. It really upset me that that is how I was feeling, and that this is not the first time I've felt this way. I was being slefish. I decided that it can't just be my hormones causing these feelings. It's something more. So I took the next step this morning, and after 6 months of medication alone, I called a therapist.
It's not easy to admit that something is still wrong. I feel like it's been a long enough time on meds that I should be better or "fixed", but the truth is I am not. I still need help. I need someone to talk to who can give me the tools I need to deal with my frustrations and my emotions. I don't know if my meds are the right one for me, maybe I can try something new. All I know is I am still truggling and I am going to do what is best for Aiden and me {and Kris} and see a therapist about it. *sigh*
I am scared to go to my first appointment on Wednesday, I'm scared to talk about my feelings with a stranger, I'm scared about everything. It does feel good to admit that I need additional help though. Both to admit it to those around me, including you lovely bloggers, and to admit it to myself. So wish me luck and I will report back at some point about how I am doing.
Monday, September 13, 2010
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8 comments:
I think you've made a brave decision. And it will be good to be able to talk to someone who is objective. Think of what you've been through in the last year - baby, your husband not working, having to move (and move away from your mom)...it's a LOT, even without PPD.
Be kind to yourself, and don't feel that you are being selfish if you need some time to recharge so you can be a happier wife and mother.
I think your decision to see a therapist is a great one. I think really that is what helped me most when I was struggling with depression in college. While the medicine helped, I really think talking out my issues with someone and having the tools to get through it aside from just the medicine was key for me. With that, I was able to successfully ween myself off the meds (eventually) and get back to where I actually felt like myself again. And even if it doesn't happen exactly like that for you, I think you'll find that talking about it will help out a lot, and it won't be as weird as you're thinking it will be now. Everyone's path is different, but I think this will be a GREAT step in yours!
You are really brave for taking that big step and calling a therapist. I think you recognize that trying to manage all your feelings without some professional help is not working for you and that makes you feel bad about yourself, which then is a great big vicious circle. Trust me, I know. I am a therapist. And I've been in therapy. Lots of it. It takes a very smart person to know and admit when they need outside help. I'm so proud you did it. You and your family will be better off! And just a word of advice -- you are paying for a service. Be prepared when you walk in that office. Let the therapist know what you want and what you need/expect from him or her so she knows for sure. If you don't click with that person, try someone else. And GOOD LUCK!!
first thing is that there is nothing wrong with you for getting frustrated for him waking up - every mom feels frustrated when their babies need sleep and fight it.
good for you for realizing that you want to get some more help and taking it. it could take a few trials and errors to get the medicine wight and talking to someone neutral always helps.
hang in there
Good for you for calling the therapist--and for realizing so quickly what was going on. It takes a lot of guts to start therapy, and I hope it's as helpful and life-changing for you as it was and is for me. Many many studies have found that the very best chances of recovery are meds + therapy, so bravo you! Also, even recovered from ppd I have so many moments of just wanting a moment to myself--you're not at all selfish for wanting a few moments of peace and quiet to drink your coffee, esp. after a night and a morning of caring for a little one. As mamas we need those moments, and we need the same kind of tender nurturing our kids get from us, and it can sometimes feel really hard not to get it! I totally get that feeling, though, of desperately just wanting to enjoy the moment but still wanting nothing more than a moment to myself. I feel ya. And I really believe you're on exactly the right path to having more and more moments of enjoying your little one and learning how to have the time and space for yourself and your needs too!
Dont feel guilty. When you explained how he kept crying and wouldnt go to sleep I was thinking, oh great, I would be annoyed and frustrated too!
Good luck with the therapist!! Im sure it will help.
I tagged you in a game at my place.
I hope having a professional to talk to works out well for you... I will keep praying for you.
I read your posts and I continually think, "Being a mommy is so much harder than I ever imagined!"
Oh Momma. I wish I could tell you that this horrific illness is a smooth sailing one once you are diagnosed and getting treatment but the sad reality is, it's not.
Setbacks will happen and it sucks and it is so easy to fall into a deep depression thinking that you're never going to be better but the reality is...YOU WILL.
You've been down this road before and you know that you can get better because you have done just so. You will get better. Keep reminding yourself that. You are much stronger now than what you were before so that is working in your corner. You are strong. You are brave. ANd YOU WILL BEAT THIS.
Just remember that you are not alone in this. We are all here standing behind you rooting you on giving you strength even though you feel weak.
If you need to talk, I am here for you ok. You can do this.
BIg healing hugs,
Kimberly
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