Wow, after several years ive decided to try and resurrect this little blog of mine. I recently told a friend I missed having a place to write. Then out of nowhere a blog "challenge" if you will came about on a public group im in. So here I am and I'm going to try and keep this thing going. Bare with me as I make changes and update content. Feel free to sift through my old posts, you just might learn something new about me....

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Writers Workshop: Cupcakes

I haven't done this in 2 years.  I am very excited to jump back onto the Writers Workshop bandwagon.  As usual the topics weren't the easiest for me to decide from, but I decided to go with one I feel very strongly about...


I hate beauty. .. my mom calls me a muffin and my brother a cupcake
Poor little muffin, he's soo much better and he looks so sad here!
Brace yourselves for what I am about to say... I don't like them.  I just don't.  Now to be fair about this I don't like cake either.  When it comes to desserts I would much rather be eating a pie or a cheesecake or cookies or ice cream.  I know that I'm in the minority here, everyone seems to like cupcakes.  There are cupcake businesses popping up everywhere.  There are not one, but multiple shows about cupcakes on the food network, hell, even my cousin has a cupcake business!  I just don't enjoy them!

First let's start with the cake part itself, sometimes it's dry, sometimes its so moist and it falls apart all over the place.  Now, the frosting, you've got to be kidding me right?  Some cupcake makers put so much frosting you can't even get past it when you take a bite.  It gets on your nose, it's soo sweet that it hurts you teeth, and the flavors are gross.  I just do not see the appeal.  It's just a big sticky sweet mess.

I mean they sure can look cute.  Or amazing for some.  Flowers, and animals and themes oh my!  I understand that they are eatable works of art.  I understand it takes skill to get it just right and that the decorations are a way to express yourself.  Some of them are swoon worthy, but delicious?  Not in my book!

Amazing, but how on earth do you eat this??

My kids don't even like them that much.  I mean, they say they do.  Aiden ALWAYS wants gramma to make him cupcakes or to buy some at the bakery section of the store.  Then he eats one or two, licks the frosting off the rest and we are done.  A waste. 

So love me or hate me for my confession, but I am not a cupcake lover. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

Stalker Tendencies

Hi, my name is Kerri and I'm on online stalker.  Now before you report me let me explain....

I haven't touched this blog in two years, previous to that I had blogged for the better part of 2 years.  I started this blog when I was pregnant with Aiden.  All the cool kids on "the bump" had a blog and we all started keeping up with each other.  I gained a lot of great friends this way.  I have kept in touch with 2 wonderful ladies on Facebook the last 2 years, but everyone else I just abandoned when I left my blog untouched.

Here I sit now trying to catch up with my long lost bloggy friends only to find most have quit writing as well.  I am sitting here sifting through my read list only to find many blogs left in mid story just like mine.  One person had her 4th baby and stopped writing.  Another was pregnant with a second and never updated.  It makes me sad that I wasn't around to share these moments with people I considered my friends.  Thankfully, I did manage to locate one "friend" today through her business page and she wrote me back instantly!  There is another that I am hoping to hear back from as well.  Unfortunately I can't recall the last name of some of the people I used to read or I'd just look them up on Facebook since that's now the easiest way to keep in touch. 

I know that people come and go, but I'd like to think that I had a connection with some of these people.  In a time when blogging was the "in thing" to do we shared so many stories with each other and honestly had an interest in each others well beings.  I hope to develop these kind of relationships again, some in part to a group I'm on in Facebook, but some with you, the few of you who actually might be reading my nonsense.  So if you are out there please don't hesitate to leave a comment. 

Fat Fashion

So another prompt for August writing is "tell me about your fashion icon".  Let's be honest it's not easy finding a plus size fashion icon.  When you look at "plus size" models they fall pretty short on my expectations.  I realize that plus size is all relative, but a 12/14 to me is not plus.  That's AVERAGE.  And that's my GOAL.  But if I look to REAL people I can actually see some amazingly beautiful plus size women who know how to dress to impress. 

Melissa McCarthy

Even in her daily life she looks comfortable and stylish and not ashamed of her size....

Queen Latifah 

Gabrielle Sidibe

Girlfriend rocking a wrap dress....

So there you have it ladies. Real PLUS size women and how they give me hope that I can look as gorgeous when I leave the house.  Just because we are big doesn't mean we aren't beautiful!

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Nom Nom Nom

Who doesn't like to eat.  Seriously, I love everything about food.  The way it comforts me, the way it smells, the way it makes me feel warm, the way it actually satisfies my hunger.  There is a difference though between eating to feed yourself and eating to feed your soul.  Let's talk about feeding the soul shall we....

When I am having a rough day and I turn to food to comfort myself there a few things that I reach for.  One is a cup of coffee.  I have coffee every single morning when I wake up, with enough hazelnut coffeemate to turn it tan.  When I am feeling blue and need something warm to hold in my hand and to sip on in the afternoon I turn to coffee.  There is something so satisfying about how it goes down and fills my belly with warm and creamy comfort.  Plus I never feel guilty have an extra cup of coffee.

Guilty pleasures though are in the mix as well.  They change often based on my mood, but I have a few favorite comfort foods I constantly reach for. 

1.  Ice cream.  Isn't this true for every female?  Vanilla bean with chocolate fudge magic shell on top is my favorite.  My recent find, thanks to the CGG girls, is Talenti gelato.  Yum.

2.  Another is my moms baked mac and cheese.  Except not baked.  Over the years I have learned I love it soo much more when it's creamy.  So without fail she will leave me out a bowl before it goes into the oven or she will just not bake it at all. 

3.  Lastly is chicken Top Ramen.  Now it cant be that Maruchen brand, nope.  It must be the official Top Ramen brand.  Nothing else will work.  And I have to crunch up the noodles and if I make it on the stove you better believe that I measure out exactly 2 cups of water because that is how it is made perfectly brothy.  It's my go to snack and lunch and dinner all the time.  It's horrible for you.  It's cheap.  It is warm.  And I love it.  Even my kids have learned to love love love "noodles" and we always have a case in the house. 

So there you have it.  My go to comfort foods.  Nothing beats them.  Now, if you'll excuse me I'm off to make some coffee and top ramen....

Friday, August 8, 2014

Kids can be so cruel

The first time that I was teased for my weight, at least the first time that I remember that was hurtful, was 10th grade, more specifically the summer before.

I dont remember where I was walking to, maybe a friends house, or to school. I just remember I was walking down the street and heard a kid yell...

"Are you hungry?  I've got the butter and you've got the rolls!"

At this age I was heavy, bigger than the majority of my friends for sure.  However, I was not FAT.  I am FAT now, but back then, I was just chubby.  Id kill to be that chubby girl again.  The one who wore a size 14.  My mom has told me stories of how she would have to go buy maternity clothes (overalls specifically) and cut the tag out so I wouldn't know.  All so that I could wear them like everyone else and fit in.  I knew I was big, and I dressed frumpy and in baggy clothes, I had no idea what being confident was.

This one little smart ass remark from some kid, who was younger than me by the way, was the start of some major weight issues for me.  It wasn't long after this comment that I started on a downward spiral of my teenage form of anorexia and bulemia.  I would try not to eat much, or eat only a little. I would never make myself sick though.  I instead found out the hard way that when you mentally tell yourself not to eat that eventually your body falls in line.  I started having trouble swallowing food.  I would try to eat and start to gag.  Sometimes I would get sick because my body was turning against me and rejecting my actual attempts to eat.  I was weak and depressed.

I was supposed to be in band camp at the end of summer.  Nerdy, yes I know.  We were going to be learning all of the field shows and the music to go along with it.  It was hot that year, in the 90s and we were supposed to be outside for hours on end on the asphalt practicing the show routine.  I remember nearly passing out a few times and being the kid that would sit out on the side.  The band director called me out on multiple occasions and the rule was you had to do push ups for mistakes.  Screw that.  I could barely hold my head up let alone push my chubby body off the ground.  I quit.  I stopped showing up.  He wouldn't take no for an answer though and actually sent a car full of band members to my house one day to pick me up and drag me to practice.  It was miserable.  I couldn't even memorize the music because I was so exhausted and weak I literally couldn't focus on it.  After that incident my mom went to the school and told them that I had a right to quit the band and that I was doing so because of my failing health and that the teachers comments was not helping but actually furthering my depression.  Needless to say there was a big clash ad I got released from band. 

At one point after all of this happened I had my first suicidal thought.  I remember sitting in the hallway of our house against the laundry room doors.  I was home alone and the house was dark.  I was thinking to myself that I could go take a lot of Tylenol and drink some of the vodka that my mom had under the kitchen sink.  I instead called my best friend Tori and sat on the phone for hours with her and she made me realize how stupid I was being.  She basically kicked me out of my funk and I continued high school.  Looking back now this little secret I kept hidden was nothing compared to the trouble I was in for at the end of college. 

I'll save the story for another post, but the short version is that after a tough breakup my last year in school I fell into some pretty bad habits and wound up basically forced to move home and ended up with an ER visit and threats to be put in treatment if I didn't start to eat.  To think, it started with some lame joke about a dinner roll.  Kids can be so cruel....

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

August Writing prompt day 1

So here we go.  The real content.  August writing prompts day 1:

Write a letter to yourself 10 years ago.  What do you know now that you wish you'd known then.....

Dear Self,

Respect your body.  Please.  You will have your high points and your low points, you will end up sick and moving back home, you will get skinny.  At that point please start to treat your body like a temple.  Now that you are 30 you are starting over and its not so easy to take the weight off.  Love your body, it will give you some wonderful little boys.

You will get over Matt.  You will marry someone who you met and fell in love with quickly.  It will be the best and worst decision ever.  You will have some amazing kids and some great times.  Mental health will step in and give you a swift kick in the ass though.  Be strong and know that in the end its the kids that matter. 

Don't worry about pooping on the table while giving birth.  You'll end up with C-sections so it's not worth being stressed over.

Don't hook up with Ruben at work, it might seem fun and sure he is a sexy mexi but really, it was lame.  He really isn't "genuine" lol

Also along that line, watch out for a guy named Chriis with two I's.  Hes a douchbag and is dating 2 other girls at the same time.  Hes so charming that all three of you know about each other and yet you all keep sharing him. 

Ikea Josh is also a dumb idea.  Just don't. 

Don't listen to what Alaska airlines says.  You can keep your tragus piercing.  Don't take it out!  You'll miss it.  And please do your furlough bid form every January even though management never told you to.  It will save your job. 

You're going to lose a few friends you currently have.  It will be sad and you'll still think about them in the future, but it's probably for the best.  You will end up with amazing girlfriends when you are 30 and they are the kind of people you need in your life. 

In the end though you really shouldn't change a thing. You're right where you are supposed to be and it will all help you grow.  You'll have a lot of laughs and stories to tell too. 

Starting Over

So my life has gone through a lot of changes the last 2 years.  It's not really worth diving into, at least not for me, so I thought id just give a little update for any of my original followers who might rediscover me. 

  • The kids are growing way to quickly.  Aiden will be 5 in October but and will be in an advanced pre-kindergarten class.  Eli is 2 now, and after what seems like forever his vocabulary is finally picking up. 
  • Aiden loves to learn, had the best penmanship in his class last year, he loves fireman, ninja turtles and says he will become an American ninja warrior at age 10.
  •  Eli is obsessed with Batman.  All things batman.  That is all..
  • Kris and I had a messy separation and are divorced now.  We are making it a priority to be friends and he is taking care of the issues that led to our demise. 
  • I am still staying at home but looking into a part time job once Aiden starts school next month. 
  • Im at my highest weight ever and really want to fix it.  It's so much easier said than done though.  Don't be surprised if this blog is heavy on body image crap-o-la.
  • I got a new hobby, nail polish and nail art.  Ive got easily 200 polishes and enjoy sharing my art with others. 
  • I still quilt and sew but haven't had the time or funds for this hobby in awhile
  • Me and the kids live with my mom now and it's a been a great change overall.  The boys feel safe and comfortable here and Ive enjoyed it more than I thought I would.
  • I just recently discovered the joy of geocaching and I cant get enough of it. 
I think that's a pretty good quick summary.  So now, sit back and enjoy the new life that this blog takes on.
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