UPDATE UPDATE

Wow, after several years ive decided to try and resurrect this little blog of mine. I recently told a friend I missed having a place to write. Then out of nowhere a blog "challenge" if you will came about on a public group im in. So here I am and I'm going to try and keep this thing going. Bare with me as I make changes and update content. Feel free to sift through my old posts, you just might learn something new about me....

Monday, May 3, 2010

2 steps forward, 1 step back. Supermom to Superbomb.

Yesterday I felt like a superhero, supermom.  Today I feel like a failure.  It's soo hard to see a glimpse of feeling wonderful and then feel like it disappeared.  I don't know what happened overnight, but I want it back.  I know I will have it back, and I am writing this all out now so I can start today fresh.  I am making the choice to make today more like yesterday.

Yesterday began like any other day.  Mommy got to sleep in a bit while Daddy got up with Aiden.  He gave him his morning bottle, changed his morning poopy {my boys are morning poopers, it's kind of funny the similarities you notice} and spent some time playing with toys.  Mommy got up and drank coffee, blogged a bit and Aiden went down for a nap.  Easy.  Normal.

Daddy suggested a walk since it was nice out, I decided I needed a shower first.  Then my mom came over and we all skipped the walk and sang songs while Kris uploaded stuff to mom's ipod.  Aiden enjoyed his grammy and mommy singing to him and eventually got tired and went back down for a nap.  Again, nothing unusual or superhero like.  Fun.  Unplanned.

Then the afternoon hit.  Aiden was fussy and being a pain in the butt for Kris.  Mommy to the rescue!  I could tell Kris was stressing out because of Aiden and because my poor husband has been working soo hard to take care of me and Aiden he was not taking care of himself.  So he took a minute to bathe Aiden and I got dinner going, I actually made dinner folks.  I mean like, I poached chicken breasts, boiled some broccoli and then threw together a chicken curry broccoli casserole and had it in the oven when Kris was done bathing Aiden.  Supermom took over the show!

I played with Aiden, sang to him, talked to him, let him bounce all over me.  All the while daddy worked out his stress by playing video games.  I wasn't stressed in the least bit, it felt amazing to be in control.  I wasn't anxious because Aiden was being fussy.  I wasn't annoyed because Kris was playing video games and watching X-Men.  I just kept pulling new tricks out of my magic bag to entertain Aiden.  We went outside on the patio and watched for birds, I cooled some dinner down and fed him.  The kid LOVED the casserole, my son is NOT at all a picky eater.  He gobbled up a bunch of food.  I brushed his teeth and made funny sounds which kept him giggling and drooling for a good 5 minutes.  Still had curry smell to him though lol. 

Aiden continued to be fussy and I didn't want to put anymore stress on Kris so I just kept on keeping on.  I was filled with this energy of "Look at ME?!  I'm doing this!".  I was soo proud of myself, but I didn't say anything to jinx myself.  I am sure my higher dose of meds helped.  It doesn't seem to wear off at the end of the day, last night was proof.  It was keeping me sane all day.  I had a genius mom moment and put crushed ice {which I had to crush myself from a cube using my slap chop!} in Aiden's mesh feeder.  He loved it!  It kept him quiet while he sucked on it and I knew it must have made his mouth feel better.

I got him to bed, and life was well.  I took the roll of binkie {something he won't take while teething anyway...} patrol and got up with Aiden throughout the night too.  Due to his mouth, his sleep seems bothered this week.  I had to rock him a few times, but I did it, and I was fine.  I turned on his music bear, held him close, closed my own eyes {I think I drifted off once} and listened to the rain outside pelting the tin carports.  Then everything changed at 7am.

Aiden was awake, I was still soo very tired {the ExcedrinPM keeps me groggy in the am}.  Kris had a tummy ache.  So I got Kris some meds, and made Aiden a bottle.  It took 3 times rocking him to try and get him to finish the bottle.  I had to dig out new toys so I could keep him still long enough to change that routine poopy diaper.  I was getting frustrated!  How could this be happening soo early in the morning?  I was fine the day before, I was supermom.  Ugh.  So I finally got Aiden back to sleep and managed another hour of sleep for myself.  We all go up as a family at 930.

The crappiness continues.  Aiden was fussy and the noise was getting on my nerves.  I was hot, I forgot to take my heartburn pill when I woke up, so my morning coffee was already giving me grief.  The tv was annoying me, I felt smothered on the sofa by a well meaning hubby and a squirmy boy.  Why am I feeling this way?  Kris could see it and he decided to take Aiden shopping for my Mother's day gift.  Fine, great!  Except in order to get out the door it meant mommmy had to hold squirmy boy while balancing a laptop on her legs because she had no free hand to move it.  Aiden screaming while Kris tried to dress him.  The loss of the coupon I SWORE I had.... Kris holding Aiden in the hall while Aiden decided to lean back giving me a near heart attack as he almost hit his head on the wall.... it just kept on. 

Now I sit in a silent house.  Aiden and Kris got out the door just fine, Kris didn't even bother packing a diaper bag because he knew I needed them out, and I am making the choice to write out my morning frustration.  I WILL NOT let this morning get the best of me.  I KNOW I can have a good day from start to finish.  I asked Kris as he was leaving how come I couldn't have a good day again and he said "you can, and you will".  He is right.  I can, and I will.  I'm going to finish this post.  Go take a nice shower.  Pour another cup of coffee and enjoy silence until my boys return.  Perhaps a nice walk this afternoon to get some fresh air.  I just need to remember that while I can't control my mind, that's what my meds are for, I can control my surroundings.  *Insert deep breath here*  It's 2 steps forward, and 1 step back. 

13 comments:

The Crazy Coxes said...

What a day! Some days are like that - they suck for no known reason. It doesn't always make sense. And sometimes, what doesn't bug you one day, really drives you crazy the next. I hope your day is getting better. Cake or cookies usually help! ;)

Gina said...

I have days like those - days when I feel as far as I've come with my PPD, I'm right back where I started. Those days are rough. But I do what I can to get through those days and hope that the next day is, if nothing else, just a little bit better. I think I will always have bad days - I just have to focus enough to not let those days beat me!

June Freaking Cleaver said...

There are those days that every mom feels that she is failing - and that is without having PPD.

Be patient and kind with yourself - it WILL get better!

Brodricks said...

It will be okay. Everyone has a bad day, the difference is deciding to come out of that bad day into a good one. You can do all of this. I am sure the lack of sleep was part of the issue, it is with me when I don't have sleep. You are a great mom and can do this!

I'm Jamie said...

****hug******
(although I know sometimes even a hug can feel smothering)

Nessa said...

Even when you are feeling great - you still need to take time for yourself - everyday. You had to be exhausted being such a supermom the day before. Don't be so hard on yourself.. you are an amazing mother and you are allowed to have terrible mornings.

Ashley @ KiwisandCocktails said...

I got anxious just reading that!
I hope the day turned around for you though!! And so nice of Kris to recognize when you need to be alone! :)

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) said...

Hey, sounds to me like you're doing great. Even now that I'm fully recovered from PPD I have my grumpy, irritable days...lack of sleep can do that to you! I think your grumpiness and tiredness the day after giving so much of yourself is totally natural. When I start having those feelings I try to think of it as my psyche's way of taking care of me--like it's saying, "Okay, you did a LOT yesterday. Now you need some rest and some alone time!"

And you WILL have more and more days that are good from start to finish. :)

Crystal said...

I commented yesterday - but I think my computer was giving me issues because none of my comments showed up.

Yes, you will definitely have days where you feel like you were supermom, and did a ton, and everything flowed smoothly! Those days are awesome!

Then there will be days where you feel like it was amazing that you even got to brush your teeth! ;)

Being a momma is just kind of like that. Be easy on yourself and enjoy the up days, but don't kick yourself on the not-so-up ones. :D

makemommygosomethingsomething said...

EVERY Momma has a bad day. EVERY MOMMA...write that down. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they are full of Ka-Ka as my son puts it.

To me you handled everything well and it is so understandable that you felt frustrated. Any mother with or without PPD would have felt like that.

What I have learned is that when I have a bad day, PPD rears it's ugly head and beats me down further. I feel like I'm a bad Mom, bad wife etc. What I do that helps is just picture the word STOP. It actually does help stop them nasty negative thinking!!

Hang in there, you're doing great!

makemommygosomethingsomething said...

EVERY Momma has a bad day. EVERY MOMMA...write that down. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they are full of Ka-Ka as my son puts it.

To me you handled everything well and it is so understandable that you felt frustrated. Any mother with or without PPD would have felt like that.

What I have learned is that when I have a bad day, PPD rears it's ugly head and beats me down further. I feel like I'm a bad Mom, bad wife etc. What I do that helps is just picture the word STOP. It actually does help stop them nasty negative thinking!!

Hang in there, you're doing great!

makemommygosomethingsomething said...

EVERY Momma has a bad day. EVERY MOMMA...write that down. And if anyone tells you otherwise, they are full of Ka-Ka as my son puts it.

To me you handled everything well and it is so understandable that you felt frustrated. Any mother with or without PPD would have felt like that.

What I have learned is that when I have a bad day, PPD rears it's ugly head and beats me down further. I feel like I'm a bad Mom, bad wife etc. What I do that helps is just picture the word STOP. It actually does help stop them nasty negative thinking!!

Hang in there, you're doing great!

Heligirl said...

My heart goes out to you because I've so been there myself. The roller coaster ride from day to day, or from hour to hour some days, is enough to wear the toughest girl to the bone. It sure sounds like you've got yourself a wonderful hubby helping out. To get myself through those down times, I try to focus on the good things and repeat to myself "this too shall pass." I sometimes find that I'll dwell on what's bothering me. I read once that your conscious can only hold one thought at a time, so choose that thought wisely. I have my collection of happy memories (the first time I held my babies, my wedding, the first time my daughter said "I love you mommy"). I try to focus on one of those and soon I feel the tension release a bit.

BTW, visiting from the D-List. Love the blog. What a cutie!!

--Jen (http://www.heligirl.com)

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